Caturday’s Astrophenia | Quickie Review: The Witch


Screen Shot 2015-11-20 at 21.10.01

G’day! My friends and I went out for a terrific lunch at a wonderful local Thai restaurant, and then decided to see a movie afterwards.

We saw The Witch first…our mistake. It wasn’t just the plot; there wasn’t one to speak of, though here’s its sorry excuse for one: Puritan father William and his family get booted out of the safe confines of their New England settlement, moving to the wilderness to start their own farm. But the wilderness is home to a witch, who steals the family’s newborn baby and does horrible things to it before slowly picking off the remaining family members throughout the movie, aided by her dark witchy magics and an evil goat named “Black Phillip.” All of them, including William, in pointlessly shocking scene after pointlessly shocking scene, but sparing his rebellious teenage daughter Thomasina, who, now corrupted by the Vile Powers of Darkness™ of the local wood, follows Black Phillip into the wilderness, naked, and joins the witch and her coven as a witch herself.

Ho Hum.

It wasn’t just the gore and lack of any real plot.

The movie also suffered from the horrific abuse of the poor tortured violins used in its score, the mangled cries of which merely grated on the nerves rather than accentuate the horror.

I found myself leaving the theatre auditorium several times to relieve the monotony of the gratuitous witchy nudity scenes and gore as the 90 minute movie dragged on, feeling rather like a full two hours of my life I’ll never get back. I found it disturbing, and not in an entertainingly haunting horror-film way.

I would better enjoy getting abducted by aliens. At least then, I could play a game of twenty questions with the alien captain and learn something cool, just before nicking a page from his logbook as evidence.

If you value your time: Don’t. See. The. Witch. If it weren’t for the lack of plot, tiresome nudity, and pointless gore, I may have given it better marks for ‘historical’ research effort, but I cannot guarantee even that.

To paraphrase a friend who saw it with me, it’s worth maybe a negative five-star rating at best. For a better investment of viewing time, see Deadpool instead.

Tf.Tk.Tts.

Advanced LIGO: Gravitational Wave Detectors Upgraded

Light Pillars over Alaska

The Rise and Fall of Supernova 2015F

Galaxies in the River

LIGO Detects Gravitational Waves from Merging Black Holes

Two Black Holes Merge

Yutu on a Little Planet

A Heart Shaped Lenticular Cloud

White Rock Fingers on Mars

Star Forming Region S106

Milky Way over the Pinnacles in Australia

Hitomi Launches

NGC 2403 in Camelopardalis

Where Your Shadow Has Company

Image of the Week:

Image Credit: HubbleSite

Weekly Astrognuz:

NASA Astronaut Scott Kelly to Host Third Rock Radio

How Dense are the Planets?

Elliptical Galaxy Shells the Result of Collisions

Big Picture Science Radio Show | With All Our Mites

Universe

NASA Plant Researchers Explore Question of Deep-Space Food Crops

China to Relocate Thousands for World’s Largest Radio Telescope

January 2016 Was the Hottest January on Record

Surf’s Up in the Galaxy | Detection of Gravitational Waves

Videos | What’s Up: February 2016

Unraveling Solar Prominence

First Super-Earth Atmosphere Detected

Comet 67P is Fluffy and Very Low Density

Gravity Waves and ET

Space Images | Dione Divided

Engineer Makes Sure Commercial Crew Craft Will Make Smooth Landing

If You’re Going to Fall into a Black Hole, Make Sure It’s Rotating

Jupiter May be Responsible for Life on Earth

Studying the Solar System with NASA’s Webb Telescope

NASA Concludes Attempts to Contact Mars Rover Spirit

Space Observatory to Study Black Holes and Galaxy Clusters

Time-lapse Video Documents Assembly of Webb Telescope Primary Mirror

Sam Cristoforetti TEDX Talk about Life in Space

Airborne Asteroid Impact Chasers Release Findings on Space Junk Object WT1190F

Videos | Flight over Ceres

OK Go Video “Upside Down and Inside Out” Recorded in Weightlessness
Enhanced by Zemanta

Advertisements